The last time I was in a Kindergarten classroom, was probably 12 years ago when I was learning how to count and say the ABC's myself. But, thanks to my internship, I get to experience this environment all over again, as an opinionated adult. The only reason I say opinionated is because of course I have my own image of what kindergarten is, and it looks a lot like my classroom back in Portland. I expect nothing less than endless amounts of crayons, markers, toys, books, and colors.
Don't get me wrong, the classrooms I help in have all of those things. But, theres something a little off. There's a kind of elephant in the room, that you'll only hear the teachers talking about. I would describe this elephant very "Little Prince"-esque (if you've never heard of this story, there is a very good animated version of it on Netflix I recommend!!) . It's something I thought only existed in the hallways and classrooms in high school. This elephant has many names it goes by: expectations, cookie cutter, conveyor belt, standardized testing.
On Thursday, while the kids were in dace class, the teacher of my class began to vent to me about her stresses of the day. She showed me a packet, which I instantly recognized as a rubric, something I had seen 100's of times in High School. This 10 page packet included guidelines, and expectations for her students to be excelling in by the end school year. She looked at me and said,
"Can you believe it? They have expectations for 5 yr olds to be excelling in by the end of the year. And, the best part is, if they don't, I fail as a teacher!" She paused and said, "technically we're not really supposed to have toys in our classrooms anymore."
She then showed me a kindergarten version of a standardized test that she had to give to all 29 of her Kindergarteners by the end of the day. This test consisted of 5 random numbers (1-5), out of order, with a row of 5 squares next to them. The instructions were simple, to color in the amount of squares to match the amount that the number represented. Easy right? Yeah, most of the students did excellent! They easily recognized the numbers, and perfectly shaded in the correct amount of squares. But, as expected there were a few children who didn't understand. Mostly, non-english speakers, and kids who aren't super good at their numbers yet. After we were done with the testing, I sat there and thought to myself. "I didn't even see my first test until 5th grade, maybe even 6th grade... and I just tested a bunch 5 year olds." It had occurred to me, that what had angered me so much about High School, how I felt so expected to think and preform just like everyone else, had reached the lives of these little people who can't even tie their shoes. I had always known this was a reality that people my age were dealing with everyday, but I would never wish it upon anyone to feel, especially them.
For the past couple weeks, this has laid heavy on my mind. It brought a sort of burning anger to my attitude about school that I thought I only had for higher education. When I first arrived at my internship, I was a little thrown back at how short tempered I had observed the teachers could be sometimes with the younger kids. I would think, "they're just kids, it's not their fault they get distracted, can't sit still, and takes them longer to learn things." I now realize, the teachers aren't stressed or short tempered because of the kids, it's because of all the pressure that is put upon them by the rules and regulations of our education system to make sure that all the students are at the same place by the end of the year. Rules and regulations put in place by people who probably have no idea what it's like to be in a classroom with a teacher:student ratio of 1:29. It's kind of an impossible request if you ask me, it must be hard to start the year as a teacher, knowing that not all of your students will exceed everything together. Of course, they want nothing more than that but, that's unrealistic to wish upon any age group of humans. Having been there for a short month, I have began to walk through the halls of the overcrowded, underfunded k-8 school, feeling the stress and pressures of the teachers and staff (without the actual responsibility to do anything). That's what hurts me the most, knowing that I can do absolutely nothing yet, as a 19 year old intern I feel powerless, about the pains I have experienced as a student, or what I see with my own eyes as an aid in classrooms.
There is one girl in my classroom I have observed early on in this school year as a outcast, a struggler, and a bully. Constantly, I see her picking on the kids in the classroom, and constantly she gets scolded, lectured, and reprimanded by the teacher, she even tried to push me over once. The teacher told me that she even has talked to the parents multiple times about her attitude. Day after day, nothing changes. What I fear the worst for this girl is that the staff at this school will lose hope in her. This girl's story reminds me of when Jesus was walking through one of his many crowds, and he suddenly felt a tug on his clothes, and an abrupt loss in virtue. He stopped to figure out who it was, and hear their story despite the fact he was rushing to the bedside of a dying girl. He came face to face with a woman with a condition that caused her to be alienated in her culture. Even though he was being rushed, even though she was seen as culturally unclean, and even though he had seemed to lose virtue at her touch he stopped. The book, Theirs is the Kingdom by Jack Westerhof and Lowell Hagan, says, " The teacher listened attentively until the woman knew she was understood and cared for deeply- only then he spoke."(p67). She was healed because of her faith. Jesus had been criticized by many people in the crowd, because the girl he was on his way to see had died. They said, he had lost a great opportunity because he stopped to fix something small. In the end, Jesus brought the girl back to life, and both of people were healed. Just because it was unexpected, and it cost Jesus some of his virtue, it was the right thing to do, because "one can never lose by doing things the fathers way. (p77)"
One can never lose by doing things the fathers way. Jesus wouldn't just let this little girl continue to feel unheard in my school, continue to let her hurt her peers probably stemming from a deeper place of anger. I made a settling realization today while gathering my thoughts before writing this blog post. I cannot fix the broken education system in my next 3 months in Philly, and I can't just force this little girl to stop and be a happy child all of a sudden. I cannot lose by doing what Jesus would do, and love. But, I can do small, little things for this girl, for she was not born angry it had to come from somewhere. I can give grace to the education system, swallow my anger, and be a source of relaxed attitude for the people who's job it is to be stressed, and not let it effect the way I interact with the children. I want to give this little girl a place to feel loved, a person to talk to and be listened to. It will probably take a lot of patience, I may even go days without feeling that she isn't any different. But, Jesus did not continue walking through the crowd once he felt the tug on his robe, "cure without personal care was not the fathers way. He must not go on. (p75)" he stopped to be personal with this woman, for it was what the father wanted.
